Medical student with no clue

A medical student, not necessarily a well-prepared student and most probably at the Uni thanks to the quota system, sat in the Life Science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question read:

"Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1.    No need to boil.
2.    Cats can't steal it.
3.    Available whenever necessary.

Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more he sighed.

He frowned. He scowled. Again, he sighed. Then, suddenly he thought he knew the answer. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:

4.    Available in attractive containers.

----
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
----

Guys, be very careful what you ask for!

DUE to increasing scientific reports that circumcised men are at less risk of contracting the (HIV) virus, more and more men are willing to get snipped. Please read on and learn from Sautso’s experience.

"Doc," says Sautso, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Sautso.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgement!"

So Sautso has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs all over, almost like a crab, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi, there," says Sautso, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the fella, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
 
Sautso stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word! That is what I wanted!"

----
Alcohol does indeed make you more attractive to the opposite sex: after they've drunk enough of it!
----

Juror wants to get it on

SEVERAL vendors are on trial accused of undressing women. In one case the victim was asked by the prosecutor what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer.

After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors – there were twelve of course.

One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him. Still drowsy and totally blank as to the proceedings, he accepted the note from her and read the feminine hand-writing,

"I'm going to f*** you like you've never been f***ed before, until you cry no more."

The juror grinning ear to ear smiled mischievously at the woman, slipped the note in his pocket and started daydreaming and fantasizing how he will meet the woman head-on literally! And she wasn`t bad looking either!

"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.

"I can't, Your Honour," the juror answered. "It's very personal."

----
Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
----

Cock-eyed!

A young lady went to an eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight. The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.

Doctor: "Can you read the bottom line?"

Girl: "No."

Doctor: "Can you read the centre line?"

Girl: "No."

Doctor: "Can you read the large top line?"

Girl: "No."

Doctor (getting frustrated): "Can you even see the chart?"

Girl: "No."

The doctor, frustrated, whips his Johnson out of his pants.

Doctor: "Can you see this?"

Girl: "Of course!"

Doctor: "Well, we have just diagnosed your problem -- you're cock-eyed!"

----
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
-----

The transplant patient and his doctor

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "D-d-d-doc, I've b-been stttutering f-for y-y-years and I-I-I-I-I'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou he-he-help me?"

The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on." So he examines him and says, "Well, I think I know what the problem is.”

The guy says, "W-w-well w-w-what is it, d-doc?"

The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."

The guy says, "W-w-wat c-c-can we d-do?"

The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one if I find someone willing to do the exchange."

Excited, the guy says, "P-p-p-p-p-please, f-f-f-f-f-find s-s-s-s-s-som-m-m-m-one, I-I-I-I-I’ll  p-p-p-p-p-p-pay a-a-a-anny thing!"

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says fluently:

"Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on."

The doctor says, "N-n-n-nope. A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal!"

----
Always remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
-----

Simple solutions for impossible situations

A loose Malawian young woman, one born with a silver spoon in her mouth, was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin bride, which unfortunately she wasn’t. But since there is nothing impossible for women, she found a way out of this predicament.

Under the guise of going to Jo’burg, RSA to buy a wedding dress, she went to a doctor she had heard could reconstruct her hymen.

The good doctor told her that would cost around ZAR50, 000, but there was another way that will cost only ZAR500. The woman in these days when forex is hard to come-by, naturally opted for the cheap way, paid the money. The doctor worked on her for several minutes, she was discharged same day, and flew back to Malawi in time for her wedding.

She duly got married and after the "first night", the woman called the doctor and told him that it had worked: pain, blood, and all had been in evidence. She asked the doctor how he had done it since before her marriage she was ‘no stranger’ to practically all eligible men in town.

"I tied your pubic hair together," was the doctor‘s answer.

(Advice to prospective bridegrooms comes in the form of Enrique Iglesias‘ song: under any circumstances `don’t turn of the lights!`)

----------------
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
---------------

Beating Sharia Law

OUR friend, let us call him Bryte, is travelling with his wife and mother-in-law in a Far East country. At a place of honour his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.

Bryte is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment: 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane for each. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it can be fulfilled.

Mrs. Bryte is first.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

Mrs. Bryte has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives some blows.

Next it is Bryte’s mother-in-law's turn.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

The mother-in-law receives her 50 lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Bryte himself.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfil them for me?"

"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfil your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."

"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"

"I would like to have my mother-in-law strapped on my back."

-----
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
-----

Professors’ definition of a kiss

AT a recent university congregation, professors - gurus of their fields - were asked one question:

What is a kiss? There answers, unedited, are as below:

Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology: A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

Prof. of Statistics: A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

Prof. of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English: A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of China: Uh, What? Mungoti kitsi, kitsi pang’onong’ono kitsi, kitsi, like chickens!
---
©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment