You can never beat a professor!

A university don reminds her class of the semester exam.

"Now Ladies and Gentlemen, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence and order is restored, the don smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,

"Well, I guess you'd just have to write the exam with your other hand."  

xxxx

Need Samples

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

xxxx

My Rules vs Your Rules

A typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the ground rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand one thing: there will be a sex marathon here from seven o'clock every night… whether you're here or not."

xxxx

In deep shit, literally…

A bird was flying south for winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm.  He looked down and saw a heard of cattle.

The biggest, fattest cow had just crapped and the bird landed in it.  At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted.

A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it.

There are three morals to this shitty story:

·    Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy.
·    Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
·    If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut.  

xxxx

Men should listen

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.  

xxxx

Mix up at the hospital

Despite recent reports about a study which said circumcision does very little to prevent HIV infection, this guy went to hospital for one any way. Because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he woke up so they could give him the bad news.
Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course I can guarantee you will," one of the nurses soothed. "It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

xxxx

Assassin interview

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the NIS assasin position — two men and one woman.

For the final test, the NIS agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."

The agent replies "You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."  

xxxx

Men, women switch roles

Imagine men and women were permitted, just for a day, to change their reproductive organs; what would they do?

Women would…  

10. Get faster promotzions at work.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......    

Men would…

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot!
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©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment