Written by OUR CORRESPONDENT
Written by THE WISE ONE
A Bad Dream?
JEAN was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband:
“I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?!”
“Aha, you'll know tonight,” answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jean and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a small book entitled: “The meaning of dreams”.
The New Year Eve Argument
THERE was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument on New Year’s eve.
"But it ended," he said boastfully, "When she came crawling to me on her hands and knees!"
"What did she say?" asked the friend.
The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"
In the Elevator in Chayamba building
AS the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Ngozo was visibly becoming increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young lady.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the young lady suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Ngozo.
"That will teach you not to pinch young ladies’ bottom!"
Bewildered, Mr. Ngozo was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked.
"Honestly, I….I….I… didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," said his wife consolingly. "I did it."
I like the way you're thinking...
LITTLE James was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher asked him a question.
"James," she said, "If there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None” replied James, "Because I would shoot one and the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer I was looking for is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."
Then Little James said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"
The teacher blushed and answered meekly, "Well, I'm not sure. I guess the one sucking the cone..."
"No," said Little James, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I too like the way you are thinking!"
A recent baby’s birth...
A married couple recently went to Mwaiwathu together to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival, the doctor said the hospital had purchased a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father and asked if they wanted to be the first couple to use it. They were both very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 per cent for starters, explaining that even 10 per cent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 per cent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 per cent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him and the wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were of course ecstatic. And since there had been no complications at all they were discharged the same day.
When they got back home, they were greeted by the news that the wife’s boss had died the same day of unexplainable but fatal stomach pains.
Men and Women
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colours and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
Men, on the other hand, are good at digging graves, lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders and that’s all.
Ready to be father again at 80
AN 80-year-old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I recently married a much younger lady, she's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,
"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. One day he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a lion appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the lion and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The lion dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that lion!"
"That," replied the doctor patiently "is kind of what I'm getting at..."
Boy or Girl
Man: "Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?"
Bystander: "It's a girl; she's my daughter."
Man: "Oh, please forgive me sir. I had no idea you were her father!"
Bystander: "You idiot, I'm her mother!"
My New Year wishes to you
BEFORE the sun sets on year 2011,
Before I start the countdown on time running out on year 2011,
Before You shut down your computers and head for your last party for
and before We get too drunk and lose our smart phones bought in the year 2011;
While I am still sober enough to see the letters on my tiny keyboard,
While You are still enthusiastic and not yet too bored,
While We are all are still reminiscing and recalling which sweet memories
from the 2011 to hold,
and while We still shed tears for things that may have been, but have been put
in the fold;
As inwardly, about our successes of the year We boast,
As We ponder all the friends, the July 20 martyrs and Robert Chasowa, who in the year we lost,
As We think of whom amongst our friends we have in the course of the year cherished the most,
As We wonder on the wisdom of some of our ventures of the past year and their cost;
As we prepare to usher out twenty-twelve,
As we get ready to entertain right into the wee hours of twenty twelve,
In short, before the sun sets on 2011
I Wish You,
Each and Every One of You,
One and All,
A prosperous new year 2012!
©2011 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment
Written by PENELOPE PALIANI-KAMANGA
BLANTYRE--Actor Thlupego Chisiza who was arrested for performing a play critical of the government says he is taking the play Semo back to stage on January 16.
Asked if he wasn’t afraid of being arrested again, Chisiza said that he would make sure all loose were tied to prevent authorities from stopping him perform his play.
“Semo is coming back on stage and it will be hot,” Chisiza said.
Chisiza said the screenplay of Semo, a play which ridicules Malawi’s current political and economic crisis, has been sent to Censorship Board for vetting.
Chisiza last week pleaded guilty to staging the play without authorization. He was fined K5, 000.
Speaking to Capital FM Straight Talk, Chisiza said he isn’t afraid to tackle hot button issues just like his father, the late theatre maestro Dunduzu Chisiza Jr.
©2011 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment
Written by GARY HARRYMAN
Neurologically, the most specialized pressure-sensitive cells in the human body are Meissner’s corpuscles for localized light touch and fast touch, Merkel’s disc cells for light pressure and tactile form and texture, Ruffini’s corpuscles for slow sustained pressure, deep skin tension, stretch, flutter and slip, and Pacinian corpuscles for deep touch and detection of rapid external vibrations. They are found only in the tongue, lips, palms, fingertips, nipples, and the clitoris and the crests of the ridged band at the tip of the male foreskin. These remarkable cells process tens of thousands of information impulses per second and can sense texture, stretch, and vibration/movement at the micrometre level. These are the cells that allow blind people to "see" Braille with their fingertips. Cut them off and, male or female, it's like trying to read Braille with your elbow.