A chemist, an engineer, and our own Uncle Zi-Ken are stranded on Likoma Island. They are each carrying some canned food but as luck would have it, they have all forgotten to bring can openers.
The chemist suggests gathering some wood and starting a fire and then holding the cans over the heat, counting on the expanding contents to burst open the cans.
The engineer suggests it would be better to try smashing the cans open with some of the rocks lying around. Uncle Zi-Ken meanwhile is thinking, "These two idiots are daffy. I will shop around for the newest political party on this island and use that to crack open this tin. Don’t they say ‘Omwa tiyi adzamwanso’?" xxxx
The current security lapse – Police Warning, verbatim
"A truck carrying a load of the potency enhancing concoction ordinarily and locally called gondolosi that was heading to an annual tribal heritage festivity has been reported stolen in transit.
Police are therefore looking for some hardened criminals.
The police headquarters is warning the general public that these hardened criminals are a desperate lot and no-one, repeat no-one, in singles or in groups, should attempt to take them on, with or without shields. These hardened criminals have no sense of decency!
The headquarters has further advised that if anyone sees suspiciously hardened persons erecting strange appendages in public or private places, they should immediately report to their nearest police station.”
End of Warning xxxx
How do I do it? And how do you do it? Have your pick…
· Accountants do it with Double Entry · Acupuncturist do it with a small prick · Ambulance drivers come quicker · Auditor Generals do it until Deloitte comes · Attorney Generals attempt to do it by force · Bankers do it with interest, at very exorbitant rates · Bartenders do it with Gin on the Rocks · Book-keepers do it for the record · Bosses delegate to others · Chess players check their Mates · Cops do it with cuffs · DJs do it only on request · Divers do it under extreme pressure · Dentists do it orally · Detectives mainly do it under cover · Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are (or were once) Tellers · Drivers speed through all the warning signs! · Elevator repair men want it up and down, up and down · Engineers do it to exact specifications · Engineers do it to a first order approximation · Farmers do it the fields · Firemen do it with a big hose · Football players do it at a loss · Garbage men come twice a week · Gardeners do it in the bushes · Golfers do it in 18 holes · Hookers do it without protection at a fee · Idiots are always at it · Jailbirds do it without discrimination · Journalists do it here every day · Judges do it in court · Landlords do it every 1st of the month · Lawyers, do it not always according to the law · Lecturers do it if its 113% and above · Managers make others do it · Marketing reps do it on commission · Malawian Politicians will generally do it with anyone in power · Maravi Post does it professionally · Nomadic MPs do it even at the risk of Section 65 · Oppressors do it at their own peril · Petrol attendants can go at it all day, when fuel is available · Presidents clandestinely do it with Mota Engil and Nyiombo · QCs? For the right amount of money · Rascals do it for short-time pleasure · Reporters do it on the road · Soldiers do it crudely · Teachers do it with students · Travellers do it seated · Unima lecturers - no matter what, won’t do it with spies in class · VPs do it when the boss isn’t looking · Waiters and waitresses do it for tips · Wise One does it, of course, wisely (what else did you expect?) · Xylophonists do it by the notes · Youths do it recklessly · Zoologists do it with animals