Written by MARAPOST
Written by MARAPOST LIFESTYLE
Written by THE WISE ONE
An un-official survey early this week polled over 1,000 rational Malawians with the following questions.
With due acknowledgment to the esteemed pollsters - who have opted to remain anonymous - we reproduce below the questions and the correspondents’ responses verbatim:
Do you believe the VP was sincere in his apology on the uncalled-for “Sitimakadya kwa Amanu” – ‘We do not eat at your mothers’ - remarks?
· 1% said, "No"
· 2% said, "Yes"
· 97% said, "The question shouldn’t focus on whether he was sincere or not, but on how many green cold ones he had imbibed to cloud his memory to the extent of uttering the unfortunate remarks that triggered the apology."
Does Malawi needs aid; and do you think the IMF, World Bank and western countries in general, are convinced that the Malawi leadership is determined to turn around the economy?
· 1% said, "No, in fact Malawi does not need aid."
· 2% said, "Yes, Malawi needs aid and the Bretton Woods institutions know that the Malawi leadership is walking the talk."
· 97% said, "The question is not about whether Malawi needs aid or not. It should rather be formulated thus: how man bags of the famous subsidy fertilizer would the K308 million that has been blown by a 40-strong-delegation to the UN, have provided to households (especially child and female-headed) that cannot even afford the K500 subsidized price?"
Author’s note: The answer is K308,000,000/K500 per bag = 616,000 bags of truly free fertilizer for the poorest of the poor in Malawi - quite a few people (more than 40 at least) would have benefitted!
Do you really agree to the Minister of Justice and Attorney General’s assertion that the President need not re-declare her assets upon assuming the high office?
· 1% said, "No, the President should re-declare her wealth because; the two offices are intrinsically different."
· 2% said, "Yes, this president is incorruptible, why should she re-declare her assets?"
· 97% said, "Sorry to say again that you are asking the wrong question. The correct question is: what is she afraid of?"
What do you make of the recent call made by the Executive Director of the Consumers Association of Malawi (CAMA) that the PP-led government should resign and call for early elections because it has failed Malawians?
· 1% said, "He is wrong, no-one should take him seriously, he is mad."
· 2% said, "He is right, as was well put by the elders, ‘wamsala adawona nkhondo!’"
· 97% said, "Whether he is right or wrong is not the question. The question should rather be, had PP still been in ‘opposition’ and had the effects of a devaluation hit Malawians this hard under the tenure of the deceased; what would have PP (and its supporters) said?"
The former ACB Director and the estranged Clerk of Parliament are and will soon be claiming millions of the tax-payers hard earned Kwachas, as if the millions blown on the on-going excursion to the US are not enough.
Are the two right to claim their pound of flesh?
· 1% said, "Yes, they are acting entirely within their rights."
· 2% said, "No, they are wrong; they are demanding too much given our poor economy."
· 97% said, "Again, this survey is asking the wrong question. The question should be: whose ill-advised action has put the national coffers at the risk of compensating these two in millions at the expense of real national priorities?"
Now to the final one:
Some Malawian commentators and activists, who were in the forefront demanding better governance and accountability from the former DPP government, hitting that government left, right and centre; are again taking this government to task.
Which of the following is true of these unappeasable characters?
a) It is a classical case of sour grapes. They are making noise because they have not been offered positions.
b) They are truly patriotic Malawians who hate mediocrity and want duty bearers to deliver, regardless of who is ruling.
c) They are failed politicians on the payroll of the reportedly massive ‘DPP war chest’ paid to talk and write bad of this government - just as they were being paid by the PP to talk and write bad of the then DPP government and ‘joyce-up’ the nation!
Take your pick, this one we will leave to you….
The options (A, B or C) are not exhaustive, please by all means feel free to add yours!
Written by WISE ONE
A well regarded and usually sober farmer was sitting in the neighbourhood bar, getting uncharacteristically drunk, and making quite a fool of himself in the process.
A neighbour, who knew the farmer very well, came in and asked him,
"Hey, Mr Chimbowa why are you getting this drunk and making a fool of yourself?"
Mr Chimbowa - our farmer that is - shook his head and replied, "Some things, you just can't explain," and sighed – as if the world had come to an end.
"What happened that's so terrible?" the concerned neighbour asked, ordered his own cold one, pulling a stool to sit down next to Mr. Chimbowa.
"Well, Bambo Phiri," Mr Chimbowa began – now that he had a sympathetic ear, even managing a sob, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said Mr Phiri, "but that's not so bad, cows spill milk all the time."
"Some things you just can't explain," Mr Chimbowa repeated.
"So what happened then?" Mr Phiri pressed.
And Mr Chimbowa continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Mr Phiri (couldn’t help himself) now laughed and asked, "Again?"
Mr Chimbowa repeated his gloomy sentence again, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" Mr Phiri asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," Mr Phiri said, nodding his head - as a person beginning to understand a situation does.
"Some things you just can't explain," Mr Chimbowa reiterated, now looking very dejected.
"So, what did you do?" Mr Phiri asked.
"Well," Mr Chimbowa said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
Soon after that, my trousers – loose without the support of my belt - fell down; and now tell me Mr Phiri, who
walks in?“ Mr Chimbowa paused for effect.
“My wife,” he proceeded after his dramatic pause,”is the one - of all people - who walked in.” And by now the poor man was crying loudly, tears flowing freely.
He only paused once to repeat again for the third time: “Some things you just can't explain!"
Eureka! Myth about marriage
It was, until this morning, generally believed that married people live longer.
It has just been announced by the Donzology Department at Chanco that conclusive research has revealed that
this belief is a misconception.
Being married just makes the couple feel that their lives are unduly and painfully longer!
Have you ever wondered why dumb people seem to get an unfair share of promotions at work? Here is a theorem that explains why.
Fact: “Power” =” Work” / “Time”
Now, if “Knowledge” = “Power”; and “Time” = “Money”; then, “Knowledge” = “Work” / “Money”
Are we together this far? Ok, let’s move on:
Solving (“Knowledge” = “Work” / “Money”) for “Money” we get:
“Money” = “Work” / “Knowledge”
“Money” will approach infinity as “Knowledge” approaches zero, regardless of the “Work” actually done. Conversely, as “Knowledge” approaches zero, “Money” will likewise approach infinity.
The less you know, the more you make; which should explain your boss or your recently promoted colleague.
(c) The Maravi Post 2012
Written by THE WISE ONE