The Maravi Post

From the files of the National Bus Company:

The following is an exchange of correspondence we stumbled upon between a customer and the National Bus
Company:

Dear Sir,

I have been riding your buses at least three times a week for the last two years, and the service on your buses seems to be getting worse every day.

Tired of arriving in Blantyre with my clothes smelling fish every time I travel the Mangochi - Blantyre route simply because your katundu boys place fish cartons on the seats hence the smell, I have had to stand in the aisle for the entire journey for two years now.

I think your bus service is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,

Che Mailosi
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Dear Sir,

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history.

The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,

NBC Managing Director
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Dear Sir,

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.

That, Sir, is something I have not been able to do on your buses in the last two years.

Yours truly,

Che Mailosi.  
xxxx

At the height or is it the depth of the ZDB

Bryte got sick and tired of receiving rejection letters after applying for several positions and attending many interviews. One company could however not manage to shake him off. When he got the rejection letter from this company, he wrote back as follows:

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your letter of November 1st, 2011. After careful consideration and consultations, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your firm’s outstanding reputation, qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following my resignation from the current ‘ulova’ status I have been enjoying. Happily, this status requires no notice period if I am to quit.
I look forward to working with you. And best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

Bryte

After giving the letter a good three days to go through the post, he duly reported for duty.
xxxx

Judgement interrupted, for a very good cause too!

A man was recently in court for murder and the judge was reading the judgement,

"You have been found guilty of beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice in the back of the courtroom says "You bastard!"

The judge unfazed continued,

"You have also been found guilty of beating your daughter to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice in the back of the court says "You bastard!"

Now this time, the judge paused a bit to say,

"Now, we can't have any more interruptions like that again or I will find you in contempt of court. Now, what's
your problem?“

The man in the back of the courtroom stood up and said,

"Your honour, for 15 years I've lived next door to this stingy bastard and every time I asked to borrow a
hammer, he said he never had one!"
xxxx

Twenty Kwacha meets One Thousand Kwacha

A twenty Kwacha note recently met the newly commissioned one thousand Kwacha note and by way of greeting said,

"Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much since you were introduced around here."

The thousand answered, "I've been hanging out at Chez Ntemba, went to the lake a couple of times, then I was in Tete for a while. Since then I have been to Blantyre and back, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The twenty Kwacha replied, "You know, same old stuff... church, church, church and may be on the odd Saturday, a chinkhoswe."
xxxx

The Perfect 419

The new Minister of Justice and Attorney General has been unable to recommend a prosecution for a scam recently pulled by Budza on scores and scores of people.

Apparently, soon after it had been announced on May 18, that gay unfriendly laws will be repealed, Budza placed an advert claiming to be able to supply unlimited, imported XXX rated hard core pornographic videos and other related materials encompassing anything you can think of.

As his prices seemed reasonable, a lot of people placed orders and even willingly paid in advance.
After a few weeks, Budza wrote them back explaining that since the legislation hasn’t been repealed “as a matter of urgency”, under the current law, moratorium or not, he couldn’t supply the materials, since some of them portrayed graphic homosexual acts, without risking prosecution.

So he duly returned the customers' money in the form of a company cheque.

However, due to a small detail, in fact due to the name of the company, few people have been courageous enough to present the cheques to their banks.

The name of the company printed on the cheque reads: "Budza’s Anal Sex and Fetish Consultants!"
xxxx

Classic of the week? At Budza’s recent medical check-up

Budza went to see his doctor for a check-up. When he went into the surgery, he found out that there was a new nurse and she was absolutely gorgeous!

The nurse told him she was going to put her hand on his back and she wanted him to say "Eighty-eight."
"Eighty-eight," Budza growled.

"Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat and I want you to again say 'Eighty-eight.'"
"Eighhty...eigh hhh tttt."

She told him to remove his shirt and when he had dutifully (almost too willingly I should add) complied, she told him,

"Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your lower belly, and I want you once more to say 'Eighty-eight.'"

"One, two, three, four, five..."
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©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment.