The Maravi Post

Rev. Fathers Paguza and Saguza on the roll…

Father Paguza went up to Father Saguza one afternoon and said,

"I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."

Father Saguza was shocked.

"Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests."

Father Paguza was ready for this.

"Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else."

In the end, he managed to persuade Father Saguza. And off they went out that night and partied like professionals, danced as if no-one was looking and drank like fish.

When they got back to the parish at 5:00 AM, Father Saguza's face became pale.

"I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this."

Again, Father Paguza was ready.

"Relax. How many times do I have to tell that I thought this all out in advance? Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you."

Father Saguza was amazed at Father Paguza's brilliance. And so, Father Paguza went in later that morning and said,

"Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we succumbed to the devil, went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, and danced to wicked music."

Father Saguza answered,

"My child, God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 'Our Father's' and 5 'Hail Mary's' and you will be absolved of your sin."

A while later, their places were reversed as Father Saguza came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Father Paguza answered,

"I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."

"WHAT?!" Father Saguza was shocked. "What about our agreement?"

Father Paguza replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job very seriously."

xxxx

Keeping Budza awake and alert in Church

Mrs. Budza tired of being embarrassed by her husband‘s falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help. The priest says,

"Look Mrs Budza, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.".

Mrs. Budza agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Budza nods off again. The priest notices and asks the congregation,

"Who is our saviour?" and then subtly nods to Mrs. Budza. She pokes her husband, who wakes up and shouts,

"Jesus Christ!".

The priest, pretending to be impressed, says,

"Very good!".

A full three minutes later, Budza is in dreamland again. The priest again notices, and asks,

"What is the name of Jesus' father?" before nodding at Budza’s wife again.

Mrs Budza pokes her husband, who screams,

"GOD!" at the top of his lungs.

The priest again congratulates Budza on his alertness and continues with the sermon. However, during the sermon, the priest begins nodding unconsciously which Mrs Budza mistakes for a poking signal.

The priest then asks,

"And what did Eve say to Adam after she gave him his 99th child?" and the priest continues nodding intuitively.

The mistaken Mrs. Budza pokes her husband, and Budza shouts,

"If you poke that fucking thing into me one more time, I'll snap it in half and shove it up your arse!”

xxxx

Classic of the Week: My experience on a recent visit to Atlanta, US

“One day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a “HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS” bumper sticker.

I thought it was pretty cool so I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my host’s car, and I'm really glad I did; what an awesome and uplifting experience followed!

I stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found right in Atlanta lots of people who really loved Jesus, never mind the Church’s scandals and all the lies you hear about Americans taking to atheism as fish to water. The damn liars just want to tarnish America’s good image.

The guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He MUST really love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out of his window and yelled. Everybody else started honking too, so I leaned out of my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my host’s teenage kids what that meant. They squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. What a man I said to myself!

So I leaned out of the window, and returned with both hands the good luck sign, after all we Malawians are very warm-hearted and our kind-heartedness is known world-over.

In fact several cars behind, a black man – blacker and bigger than you and me - stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there."

Maybe he was from Florida too. But wherever he came from, he must be really crazy about the Lord.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards the one I was driving. I bet they wanted to pray or maybe give me their tithes or something equally awesome for the uplifting experience.

But typical of traffic lights, the light changed to yellow, and I had no choice but to step on the gas. And a good thing it was, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.

I looked back at them, all of them now out of their cars, just standing there! A truly magnificent spectacle! I leaned out of the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove happily away – very satisfied with myself.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks in Atlanta, no wonder MaraviPost is domiciled right there!"

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©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment.

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