How one becomes Mom or Dad
A woman was out walking with her four year old daughter. The little girl picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. The woman took the item away from her and asked her not to do that.
“Why?” the daughter asked.
“Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs,” the woman patiently replied.
At this point, the little looked at her mom with total admiration and asked,
“Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.”
The woman’s medulla oblongata went into overdrive.
“All moms know this stuff; it is a mandatory component of the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mom.”
They walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, with the little girl evidently pondering this new information.
“OH...I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don't pass the test you end up being dad!”
“Exactly,” replied the woman, of course with a grin without a cat!
xxxxOn a visit to the land of the dead
An old man decided to visit a friend's grave. He picked up some flowers to put on the grave as a show of respect.
He entered the grave and put the flowers on the grave of his departed friend when he noticed a younger man putting a beer on the grave of his friend.
The old man thought this was rather amusing. He shouted over to the other.
"My son, when do you think your buddy's going to come up drink his beer?"
The young man shouted back, "Why Sir, the same time that your friend comes up to smell his flowers!"
xxxxDo not mess with spinsters
A spinster in Lilongwe decided to give herself a big treat for her significant but rather lonely 50th birthday. She went to Lilongwe Hotel, checked into the room they call a studio and stayed there two nights.
When she was checking out, the desk clerk handed her a bill for MK100,000.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.
"Yes, it's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth K50,000 per night! I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that K50,000 per night is the rate for the Studio she had taken, so she insisted on speaking to the manager.
The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:
"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.
"We have the best entertainers, including Peter Chidzanja of the Che Chule fame, performing here," the manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.
No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!" and the manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes’ discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But madam, this check is for only K30,000."
"That's correct. I charged you K70,000 for sleeping with me on both nights. The standard rate per night is K35,000!" she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
With that, the spinster departed the hotel premises.
Classic of the Week: My friend Budza is no more
According to what I have gathered, Budza and his wife were getting ready for bed. As is common with women, after undressing, his wife was standing in front of the full-length mirror in their bedroom, taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she said, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She then turned to Budza and said,
"Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
Budza paused and pondered - digesting this - and then said in a soft, thoughtful voice,
"Well, ... at least there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the departed Budza will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Patricks in Area 18. Female friends of the family are invited.
---©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment.