Written by THE WISE ONE
A Priest and a Nun off the M1, in this cold winter
A priest and a nun had a breakdown along the M1 – in the no man’s land between Dedza and Ntcheu - where by our tropical standards, it gets very cold. And this was night.
After hours of toying around with the engine of the car with little success, and waving down passing cars, they decided to seek help in a nearby village.
For some reason, the village was deserted and they helped themselves to one deserted grass thatched house. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep and luckily, there was a stack of blankets in the corner and a tattered mkeka (straw mat) on the floor but only one bed.
Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed, I’ll take the mkeka."
Just as he got comfy on the mkeka and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said, "Father, I'm cold." He got up, got a blanket and put it on her.
Once again, he returned to his mkeka and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold."
He got up again, put another blanket on her and returned to the mkeka once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."
This time, he remained there and whispered, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here where no one knows we have taken the vows of celibacy. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun purred, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled back, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket, am exhausted!"
Chuck - the Poly whiz-kid
Chuck, fourth year engineering student at the Malawi Polytechnic, is struggling through Limbe bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"
Chuck sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
"It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Chuck brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out," and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest cities in the world.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says,
"The time is eleven 'til six" in an American accent.
A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Chuck continues "I've put in accents for each district in Malawi too." He hits a button, and a Tumbuka voice booms, announcing the time, Malawi CAT. He hits another one, and off comes “Chakuti chako! Nidzakubabada” – followed by the time, in perfect Sena!
The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
"That's not all," says Chuck. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of Blantyre
City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Chuck.
"View recede ten," he says, and the display changes to show Blantyre Rural East complete with the face of the legislator of the constituency, and the colours of the party to which he has pledged allegiance!
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor.
"But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very credible little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far," says the proud inventor.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you MK10,000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you MK25,000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you MK50,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out his wallet, lined with the new Kamuzus!
Chuck stops to think. He's only put about MK5,000 into materials and development, and with MK50,000 he can make ten more and have them ready for merchandising in no time. The stranger frantically finishes counting fifty grand and waves the wad in front of Chuck.
"Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. MK50,000. Take it or leave it."
Chuck abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the
stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," Chuck points to the two huge suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station, "Don't forget the watch’s batteries!"
At a recent marriage counselling session…
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling.
They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the pastor's house, the pastor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After five, ten, fifteen minutes of listening to the wife, the pastor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, while tapping her ample behind and sat her back down.
After that, the wife sat there - speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. Then, the pastor spoke to the husband,
"Verily, verily I say unto you, your wife NEEDS that, at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head, smiled and replied, "Okay Pastor, I will be bringing her to you at noon on Tuesdays and Thursdays!"
©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment.