Written by THE WISE ONE
Wonderful hair spray
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.
It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out with a big smile and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
The perfect diet
A terribly overweight lady goes to her doctor about her weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you will have lost at least 2kgs."
When the lady returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 10kgs.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The lady nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
It’s the way you tell a joke…
A young man is sentenced to fifteen years in prison. The warden, at Maula, takes a liking to him and puts him
in a cell with a kindly old-timer so he could be shown the ropes and not get himself in trouble.
So the old-timer teaches the youngster the rules of the prison, what to do, what not to do, stuff like that. One of the rules he learns is that there is no talking allowed during meals.
A curious thing happens during meals though and the young prisoner is a bit confused. In the large mess hall, once everyone is seated, one of the prisoners stands up and loudly says, "47." Everyone in the hall laughs hysterically.
A few minutes later, another prisoner stands up and loudly says, "19." Again, a torrent of laughter from everyone. This goes on throughout the meal.
Later, when the youngster and the old-timer get back to their cell, the young man asks, "What was going in the mess hall tonight? I thought you said there was no talking allowed."
"Ah, yes, the mess hall. Well years ago, the warden eased up on that rule a bit, the one that disallows talking at meals. You see, all of us inmates have memorized a long list of jokes and stories by the number, so that all one of us has to do is call out its number, and, because we have all of the stories memorized, it's like someone told the whole funny story."
The young inmate nods understandingly and falls off to sleep.
After a few weeks of this mealtime behaviour, the young man gets up a bit of nerve and decides to tell a story.
So, one evening at the dinner meal, he stands up and loudly says, "26." No one laughs. Not even a twitter. So he tries again, "26."
Still nothing. He sits down sheepishly and embarrassed.
Later, he pleads with the old-timer to explain what happened.
"That is such a good story, number 26, how come no one laughed."
The old man turned to him and explained, "It's the way you told it."
The inquisitive son
An inquisitive young boy is talking to his mother.
"Mommy, how old are you?"
"Oh, that's quite personal, son, and besides it's not polite to ask a woman her age."
"Ok, mommy, then tell me, um, how much do you weigh?"
"Well, I can't tell you that either, a woman's weight is a secret."
The boy was getting a bit frustrated by now. "If you can't tell me that, can you tell me why you and Daddy split up?"
"Someday I'll explain it to you but it's all quite complicated and I don't think you'd understand."
The boy wandered off unfulfilled but kept all of this in the back of his mind. The next day in school, he was talking to one of his school chums and was told to look at his mom's driver's license. That would have all of his answers.
So very early the next morning he snuck into her wallet and looked at her driver's license. When she awoke, he said, "I know how old you are!"
She said, "You do? How old am I?"
"You're 31. And I know how much you weigh, too!"
"Oh," she said, getting curious, "how much is that?"
"You weigh 95Kgs. And I even know why Daddy left!"
She was really curious now. "Why was that, son?"
"It's because at your driving test, on SEX you got an F!"
©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment.