Written by THE WISE ONE
Smart kids have learnt a thing or two from Malawi’s Finance Minister
DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
SON - What's up, Dad?
DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.
DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
DAD - But your sister, Nambewe, has told me she saw you back the car against the culvert at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the culvert?
SON - Well, you see Dad, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the gear shift – accidentally putting the car into reverse, and it resulted in direct contact with the culvert, though that was clearly not my intent.
DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the culvert?
SON - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.
DAD - But the car did hit the culvert, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
SON - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I EMPHATICALLY understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the culvert did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer such information despite Nambewe’s exposé!
DAD – Son, am now beginning to worry about you. Where in hell did you learn to be such a liar?
SON - From the Minister of Finance, and what’s more, he got away with it!
Mafia in a fix: Doesn’t greed beget greed?
A newspaper has reported that the Mafia found an innovative way to avoid police infiltration and people ratting on them. Looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting", they went for a deaf person for this job.
The thinking was even if he gets caught, he couldn't communicate to the police what he was doing or who his bosses were. Devilishly clever weren’t they? Of course that’s the Mafia.
Well, in his first week, the deaf collector picked up over $40,000. He collected even more in the second week, and tripled the collections in the third week.
Then the obvious happened. He got greedy, and decided to skim the Mafioso and started stashing it in a safe place.
The Mafia noted the dwindling collections, but since the man was deaf, well there was no communication. This went on until the deaf man disappeared with three weeks collections, and realizing that if this got out they would lose face, they sent their worst hombres after the deaf collector.
The hoods found the deaf collector and asked him where the money is. Of course the deaf collector could not communicate with them, so the tough guys dragged the poor and very frightened guy to an interpreter.
The lead hood to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signed, "Where's the money?"
The deaf man replied, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter told the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulled out a .38 and placed it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where da money is!"
The interpreter signed - frantically, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replied, "The $100,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter said to the Mafia hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, he doesn’t give a heck, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
On Creation: Does Darwin’s evolution theory hold any water?
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence and live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And unto this day, it is so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be a great companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, make it no more than 10 years." And yes, to this very day, it is so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." The monkey’s wish too, was granted.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world and fellow men and you will dominate the earth, multiply like sand and live for 20 years."
And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord I pray, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And lo, Man’s prayer was answered.
And, behold from henceforth, Man lives 20 years as providence intended that a man should, then he marries and lives 30 years like a mule - working day and night, carrying heavy loads on his back without much consolation or compensation.
Then, the children come marking the genesis of his 15 years as a dog: guarding his house and eating leftovers after the children have emptied the pantry.
And verily, verily I can tell you, in his old age Man then lives 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot and a clown to amuse his grand-children, while prancing around half-bent, like the very anthropoid whose 10 years he pleaded for.
©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment.