A Catholic priest and a sheikh find themselves sitting next to each other on the bus to Lilongwe. And so after some hesitation they start to talk to each other. After discussing the weather and politics, the priest turns to the sheikh and says that he thought it was rather strange that the sheikh isn’t allowed to eat pork, and asked him whether he ever had.
The sheikh after pondering, this replies, "Well, when I was a small boy, I did in fact taste a small piece of pork."
"What was it like?" asked the priest, beaming with mischievous expectation.
The sheikh replied: "Not nearly as good as sex, with any of my four wives."
xxxxAt the Presidential Hotel
A farmer, who went to Lilongwe to witness first-hand the works of the Big Kahuna’s hands, asked the hotel's clerk at the newly commissioned Chinese built Presidential Hotel, about meal times.
"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.
"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"
xxxxOnly in America: The stone the builder refused?
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"We don't need any one," they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything."
"We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
"How in the world did you do that," they asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman. I can sell anyone anywhere anytime."
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that for?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in labouring with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says,
"Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I happened to pass by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!"
xxxxCorruption in the judiciary? Try this for size!
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted fifty thousand kwacha to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted fifty thousand kwacha to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still didn’t respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, can you please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was asking you!"
xxxxClassic of the Week: the Chinese always get their money’s worth!
The Chinese version of the scramble for Africa has seen many Chinese labourers trek to Africa to work on the various construction projects that their government is undertaking all over the continent. These people, mostly men, come unaccompanied.
This story is about one of such men and one African lady practicing the oldest profession in the heart of the city of Lilongwe. A Chinese fellow, after surviving for months without satisfying his libido, finally decided that he had had enough and after making a few discrete enquiries, found himself on the Bwandilo corner.
Without much ado, he picked one of the professionals that ply their trade on that famous junction that leads to Silver Stadium. Ladies in this profession tend to charge expatriates exorbitantly; and true to form, this one did, to which the Chinese fellow didn’t even bother to negotiate.
The lady got into the car and was shocked to hear the Chinese ask the driver to make a u-turn and head in the direction of the airport on the M1. The lady, shocked, asked:
“Where are we going?”
“The boss (meaning the Chinese gentleman) lives in Area 14, that’s where we are heading.” The taxi driver responded, in the vernacular, and the lady was pacified.
They turned at Area 18 roundabout into the Presidential Drive and then turned left again into Area 14, their destination and the venue of the service delivery. Of course at this time, the normally reticent Chinese was visibly excited. Who would blame after many months of playing golf! Plus, the lady was the curvy, bottle bottom shaped type. Yes indeed, a man would, for one be working ahead! Not those stupid sign posts that are posted at construction sites, but the real thing.
Before the taxi driver left, the lady announced that she charges double the rate she had indicated earlier if the services were home delivered, and triple that amount for overnight. The Chinese client, dismissing the taxi driver, opted for overnight and chuckled:
“I pay, I pay, I pay.”
And they went into the gentleman’s flat which, by the way he shared with a few colleagues. In no time, as per his long period of forced celibacy, he was at it. The lady, a true professional, held her own, even showed him a few tricks in the process, and the man was fully sated.
After making small talk, he excused himself and started crawling on all fours on the floor. The lady was in no small way flabbergasted and she asked:
“What is that for?”
The client calmly explained that this nude parade, on all fours, was an old Chinese custom which unfailingly gives one more energy and the lady, watching in mild amusement, left him to his devices. After all, in her profession she met all sorts of wierdos, and this was nothing compared to some cases she had handled.
After going at it, the Chinese man crawled under the bed, only to reappear from the other side and yes, he had been fully recharged – literally. And they were at it again. This went on for four times and the lady started seeing stars.
“Doesn’t he get tired or enough?” she thought.
Exhausted, she decided to borrow a leaf from the Chinese man. Without warning, she came down the bed, went on all fours, pranced around as she had seen the man do, and crawled under the bed.
Imagine the look on her face when she found 10 Chinese men there, four on one side, with satisfied grins on their faces and six with their firepower in its full glory, patiently awaiting their turns!
The Chinese, my brothers and sisters, always get their money’s worth, ender-estimate them only at your own peril!
---©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment