A nun with her dress up and a man with his pants down
TWO nuns went out of the convent to get supplies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical and the other one is known as Sister Logical. It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to have his way with us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So the man decided to go after Sister L. Sister M arrived at the convent very worried because Sister L had not yet arrived. Finally, after what seemed eternity, Sister L arrived.
SM: Sister L! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow both of us, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And what else?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. He almost caught up with me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing to do: I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister Logical! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do: He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister Mathematical? A nun with her dress up can run faster than any man with his pants down!
xxxxFrom one cleric to another
A sheikh and a priest have a head-on collision. Both their cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the sheikh sees the priest's collar and says,
"So you're a priest. I'm a sheikh. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The sheikh continues, “And look at this. Here's another miracle. Your car is a complete wreck but this bottle, which I trust contains Mass Wine didn't break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune!"
The priest agrees, blesses the wine, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle to the sheikh. The sheikh takes the bottle, makes a little bow, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The sheikh replies, "No...thanks. I will take a few sips when we are done with the police."
xxxxAt the confessional long after WWII
The elderly Italian man recently went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favours," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a huge risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.; "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her now that the war is over?"
xxxxHoly Week Classic: Meat turned to vegetable on Good Friday
A friend of mine recently moved from Blantyre to Lilongwe, to be specific to live in Area 47 Sector 3, a couple of months ago. It took him no time to learn that somehow, in his part of Area 47 Sector 3, he was the only Presbyterian. Imagine the probability of this coming to pass, but this is what happened.
That was okay, and his Catholic neighbours didn’t mind this at all. But they had a problem with him at the beginning of what the Catholics call the Lenten season. To be precise, this was on the day that Catholics call Ash Wednesday. On this special day, when Catholics reminiscent of the people of Nineveh wallow in ash as a sign of repentance, my good old friend was innocently barbequing beef on his veranda.
Since his neighbours couldn't eat meat on this Ash Wednesday, the tempting aroma tortured them - for most of them that is. To make matters worse, some of them had resolved to suffer with their Saviour by abstaining from meat throughout the Lenten season; and they decided to put a stop to this. They got their act together and went over to talk to my friend.
"Mr Budza," they said, "Since you are the only Presbyterian in this part of Area 47 Sector 3, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic or move to another area or part of Area 47."
Budza thought about it for a minute, and after putting things into perspective - he would no longer have to drink beer in secret (he knew that Catholics don’t view beer as haraam); he decided that he could live with that.
They talked to the priest, and a quick Baptism was arranged for Budza, in this very same Lenten season. The big day came and the priest had Budza kneel. He put his hand on Budza's head and said:
"Budza, you were born a Presbyterian, you were raised a Presbyterian, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Budza's head, "You are a Catholic!"
Budza was happy and the neighbours were happy, that is until today April 6, 2012 on Good Friday. Just before lunch today, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Budza's yard. This irked the neighbourhood and a delegation of women went to talk to him about this. They wondered why Budza of all days picked Good Friday, the very day our Lord was crucified, to eat meat.
But as the group approached the fence, they heard Budza saying to the steak:
"You were born a beef, you were raised a beef", and as he sprinkled salt, garlic, tenderisers and such other condiments over the meat, he said, "and NOW you are a VEGETABLE!"Have a blessed Easter, see you all next week!
---©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment