The Maravi Post

Ordering govt. spokespersons can be a handful!

THE recently appointed Vice President was drafting a letter to order a pair of government spokespersons – from where ever they come from. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence:

"I would like to place an order for two ntabas to be delivered to the State House at your earliest convenience."
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word “ntabas”. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read:

"I would like to place an order for two ntabae, to be delivered to the State House at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Mamba in plural is mambas; and alga in plural takes the form algae, but ntaba to ntabas or ntabae...he wasn’t so sure.

At his wits end, he consulted the recently appointed minister of information, a man allied with much hope.

The young man with hopeful allies came, sat on the computer, deleted the whole sentence and started all over.

"Everyone knows no government nor State House worth its salt can run without a ntaba," he typed. "Please send us two of them!"
*****
A math problem?

The answer to a mathematical problem was "log(1+x)". Clueless but cunning as ever, Bryte copied the answer from the student next to him.

In order to disguise his act of cheating, and to be original, he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)".
Bryte, quite a chap he was – no wonder he didn’t last!
*****

Recently in Blantyre @ Mandala Flats

A Mandala Flats’ spinster had just finished undressing for a bath. While she was standing in front of her full-body length mirror, admiring her own curvy body – naked – there was a knock at the door. She called out,

"Who is it?"

To which a voice answered, "A blind salesman!"

The spinster decided to get a thrill by having a man in the room, blind though he may be, while she's naked; so she let him in.

The man walks in, looks stunned at the lady. Still trying to recover his composure, he blurts out:  "Uhhhh, what a dish!”

He collects himself then stammers:

“We…….ll he-he-he - he llo Ma ma ma ma dam; can I sell you some venetians blinds?"

*******

Ex-federation central bankers and their woes

The Reserve Bank Governors of Zimbabwe, Zambia and Malawi were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world, especially in their part of the world where a lot of his people, despite paying tithes to various apostles and paying taxes to government, were getting poorer and poorer – while people like these governors were constructing - using tax-payers money, swimming pools complete with Jacuzzis and Gyms.

Since things were so bad and their stewardship so decadent, he told the three that he was destroying what used to be called the Federation of Rhodesia and Nyasaland in three days. He would wipe it off the face of Africa and the earth.

They were all allowed to return to their home countries, to tell their bosses, friends, colleagues and fellow citizens what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did, he was "not" changing his mind. So, . .

The Zambian Central Bank Governor went back to Lusaka and told Sata;

"I have good news and bad news Sir. First the good news . . . there "is" indeed God. The bad news is that he is destroying Zambia in 3 days."

His Zimbabwean counterpart went back and told Mugabe, "I have bad news and more bad news. The first is . . . that God is actually a white man. The second is that he is destroying Zimbabwe in 3 days.”

Our own Perks was at a loss. Thing is, he had just survived a media “basopo” and he knows that “utsi siwufuka popanda moto - kalipokalipo!” How would the new boss take this?

Nevertheless, he returned to Malawi and faced the new president, "I have good news and good news your Excellency. First . . . God thinks we are one of the three most important and special countries in the world. Second . . .Madam, you don't have to devalue the Kwacha – it will not be necessary.”
******
Che Mailosi, Mapwiya and Adada Gondwe’s stamina

Che Mailosi, Mapwiya and Adada Gondwe shared a seat on a Limbe – Mangochi bus on their way to buy fish at the lake. After a while, they began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," Che Mailosi bragged, "and this morning she fried mandasi for me, and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," Mapwiya responded, "and this morning she roasted a namchidwe for me for breakfast and told me she could never love another man."

When Adada Gondwe remained silent, Mapwiya smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" Che Mailosi arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

******
Classic of the Week: Tolerance in marriage

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed and the passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says,

"I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says "WHAT???"

And the wife, stroking his back, patiently explains; “Honey, you must learn to be tolerant of my emotional needs as a woman – I love you.”

The husband, flabbergasted, realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well get used to the idea, accept it and try to sleep, somehow.

So the next day, a Saturday, the husband takes her down-town Blantyre. They walk around, the wife shows excitement at one of the expensive stores near Chayamba Building. Unfazed by the steep, hubby has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife,

“We'll take all three of them.”

 Then he leads and encourages her to try on matching shoes worth his gross salary each. And that’s not all, he propels her to where the jewellery is neatly and attractively laid out and convinces her to try on a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does n’t care). Now in absorbed with the shopping fever, she gets anything that she has always fancied.

The husband says "Although I doubt if you will actually put on some of the sexy attire you are getting, if you like it then let’s get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she can’t even believe what is going on. Finally heavily overloaded, she says:  "I am ready to go, let’s go to the cash register."

The husband says, "No, no, no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff."

The wife face goes blank.

"You see honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

She gets really angry and is bout to explode and then the husband says;

"Honey, you must learn to be tolerant of my financial parameters as a man – I truly love you."  
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©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment