The Maravi Post

Excelling in philosophy
A story is told of how one student astounded that famed and sadly departed philosophy professor at UNIMA.

The professor walked into the lecture hall to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor’s instructions went like this:

"Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course; prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils wrote and erasers erased, as students embarked on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist.

That is, most student except for one student.

He spent thirty seconds writing his answer, and then turned his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time passed by, and the day came for the students to get their final grades ... and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds got the highest grade in the class.

His answer to the question was: "What chair?"
xxxx

A sex-starved man and aspirin

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

His wife asks: "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Good, gotcha!"
xxxx

Origins of the human race

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made ..."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom how is it possible that you told me the human race
was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!"
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The price of a car

A man walks into a shop that sells expensive top of the range cars. Looking around, he spots the car, walks over and inspects it. As he bends to admire the exquisite finish of the car, he farts loudly.

Very embarrassed he looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed his 'little accident' and hopes a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.

As he turns back, there standing next to him is a salesman.

"Good day Sir, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably he asks: "How much does this car cost?"

The salesman answers: “No ways, am not telling you”

“Why?” asks the man with much irritation.

"Sir, if you farted just touching it, you're obviously going to shit in your pants when you hear what the price is."
xxxx

A complicated arithmetic problem

Johnny, if you had K5 and you asked your father for K3 more, how much would you have?

“I would have five kwacha” is Johnny’s reply.

“You don't know your arithmetic, Johnny” the teacher says, visibly angry.

“Am not the one at fault” Johnny says adamantly, “It is you just that you don’t know my father Madam.”
xxxx

Elevators

Back in the days (the seventies) when we had CCDC, Portuguese and South African firms building Lilongwe, a boy and his father from the outlying districts visited the City Centre – and at that time, it was a beehive of activity.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw. But what they saw at the now dejected Gemini House topped the bill. Allowed into the reception area by an accommodative sentry, they looked with wonder at the silver doors that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father:

"What’s this, Dad?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded: "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady (probably in her sixties) walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful, chewable and attractive 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father shouted to his son: "Fast! Run go get your mother!!!"
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Budza and the devaluation

Resolving to surprise her husband, Budza's wife popped by his office unannounced.

She found him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without missing a beat, Budza started dictating,

"...and in conclusion Your Excellency Madam, zero or no zero deficit budget and 50% devaluation or not, I can’t continue to operate this office with just one chair!"
xxxx

Classic of the week: Budza in Mozambique last Wednesday

Budza was this Wednesday on a visit to Villa Ulongwe in neighbouring Mozambique. After having a few Cervejas he found the Mozambiquan beauties too much to resist and called one of them “to negotiate business”.

They sat and talked, frolicked a little, giggled a bit, drank a bit, and then she sat on his lap. He whispered in her ear and she gasped and ran away!

Seeing this, a more experienced lady decided that she will teach the youngster a thing or two. She joined Budza on the counter, they sat, drank and talked, frolicked a little, giggled a bit, drank a bit, and eventually she ended up on Budza’s lap.

He whispered in her ear, and she too screamed,

"No!" and walked quickly away.

Now and even older queen of the night was surprised that this handsome and harmless-looking Nyasalander seems to be asking for something so outrageous that the two younger girls will have nothing to do with him.

She decided that she will console the Nyasalander, after all the poor man may not have recovered fully from the sad developments of last month – April 2012.

And so she went over and joined Budza. They sat, drank, called for snacks and ate, frolicked a little, giggled a bit, drank a bit, and inevitably she wound up on his lap. He then whispered in her ear and she screamed:

"No way, Nyasalander!" and smacked him as hard as she could and left.

Now the pub owner, a lady and a veteran of “the trade”, was by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a pub.

Her policy is not to entertain male customers in that way, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that seems to be making all the girls so angry.

Besides she sees a chance to teach these pretenders a lesson. So she went over to Budza and said and she is available. She sat down and talked with him. They frolicked, giggled, drank and then she waltzes, practically dancing the lambada, into his lap.

Budza leans forwards and whispers in her ear,

"Can I pay in Malawi Kwacha?"

When Budza came to, he was lying in the drain outside the pub, with a big bump on his forehead.

P/s: When a country has devaluated a currency, news it seems travel very fast!
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©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment