Dear Aunt Nadithi,Two years ago, I divorced my wife of 14 years with whom we have three children. She was unfaithful and has since married her lover. I am very distrustful of women and wonder if I will ever love or trust another woman again? I also have trouble giving any meaningful advice to my three sons. Will they be unlucky with women the way I was? Are all women unfaithful like my ex wife? Disappointed Man
Dear Disappointed Man,
When a marriage breaks up, it is tearing two lives that were entwined and the wound can be devastating. However as hurt as you are, you must soldier on for the sake of your children and for your own well being. Your sons are growing and will soon be getting into relationships of their own; but if they come to you seeking for advice, it will be awkward if negative images or undertones of 'what a lousy woman your mother was.' Remember, she is still their mother.
Just like not all men are cheaters, it is also true that not all women are unfaithful. Hopefully, your sons, seeing the torment you have endured with the unfaithfulness of their mother, they will gravitate to sincere partners.
There plenty of women who are sincere and you can trust. You need to accept that no one wears a tag that screams 'hey I am trustworthy, take me home!' Trust and love are values that grow and this isn’t an instant over-night thing; it takes time; but it also takes you to break free from the mould you have encased yourself in. Once you break the chains, you will find love. You will find a woman you will grow to trust. But this starts with you, not someone out there. As long as you are on your 'women are not to be trusted warpath' you send negative signals and you cannot attract anyone. Be free and allow yourself to love and trust again.
****Love my wife to death but she forces me to do things I hateDear Aunt Nadithi,I've been married for six years and love my wife very much. She is a very humorous light hearted woman and I enjoy her company very much. She has given me two wonderful children and we enjoy doing a lot of fun things together.But my problem in our marriage is that whenever there is a new movie, she forces me to escort her to watch it; she says it is all part of our spending quality time as husband and wife and romantic. Where is the romantic or quality time when the first thing I do as soon as I get into the theatre house, I fall flat into deep slumber? This is because I hate watching movies. Is there any solution to this dilemma that I am in? Are other guys tortured like the way I am?
First of all, a thousand apologies that you are 'forced' to go to these treacherous outings with your dear beloved wife; secondly, how dare you fall asleep when near your beloved wife! It is a sure guarantee that in every marriage one spouse is coerced into partaking in an activity the other enjoys and the other loathes.
In all the above instances, the coursed spouse goes along out of love (not fear) for his or her spouse. So yes there are other guys out there that are going through the same torture that you are enduring. But all the divorce lawyers will tell you, this is nothing!
You enjoy your wife's company and go on outings with your children, perhaps it is time for you to co-sign your children to bail you from this dilemma you are in....the next time she suggests a movie, suggest an outing with the children instead of the movie.
If this fails to work for you, perhaps next time you are on force-patrol at the movies, drink some something that can keep you awake.
When can I introduce my children to my boyfriend?Dear Aunt Nadithi,I am a 37 year old widow and have two children, a son (14) and daughter (10). It’s been five years since their father passed on and I felt it was time that I moved on and start dating again.I’ve been seeing this one man for about six months and it seems a steady relationship. But I am a bit fearful of introducing him to my children at this time. What if they don’t like him? Is there the right number of years for you to wait before you move on with another relationship? I don't want to hurt my children's feelings or for them to feel that I am replacing their father, whom they love very much. They are still hurt from his passing while they were young. When is the right time for me to introduce my boyfriend to my children?Confused Widow
Dear Confused Widow,
There’s no measure that can be given on how long to wait before moving on into the dating scene or when to introduce a 'friend' to your children. This all dependents on how you introduce this other man. Any time is a good time but if done wrongly, it can also be a bad time - whether you wait for 10 or 20 years. The approach on the subject is important.
They are young and impressionable and will for sure love their father all the days of their lives. And they are still hurting from the loss of their father.
However as you said, you must move on. This doesn’t mean you don’t love your late husband, their father. This is the point that should be put to them before you introduce the other man.
You will need to discuss the matter of another man in your life and the fact that just because you are dating someone else, it doesn’t mean you do not still love and miss their father. As they are young children, this could be a great opportunity for you to teach them about moving on. Impress upon them that no one will ever replace their father. Sometimes, all children need is an assurance that just because you are getting into another union, it doesn’t mean that they will have to call someone else "Dad!"