Please help me solve my problem with my husband of 12 years who has resorted to bringing in his women friends to our home when I am away on business trips.I am a marketing executive in a busy company with four out of town branches that my jobs demands I visit frequently. I never noticed anything amiss until I found some strange dresses in my bathroom. When I asked my daughters (11 and 8 years old), they were blunt in telling me that they belonged to one of the aunties that their daddy brings home when I am away.It is upsetting that he has involved our little girls in his activities; they whispered and made me promise that I shouldn’t let their daddy know that I know about the dresses or else their daddy and auntie wouldn’t buy them any gifts or treats.Are my children too young for me to tell them of the evil their father in engaged in? Should I change jobs to save my marriage? What can I do? I haven’t approached my husband about this but I am due for another out of town visit and I fear that the deception will continue. Please help me.Confused Wife
Dear Confused Wife,
Your children aren’t too young to be told about the horrid display of unfaithfulness and deceit their father is parading in front of them. This is tantamount to acts of theft - he is stealing their innocence and replacing it with scheming minds young children their age should be taught against. This is the perfect time to teach them about truthfulness in relationships as sacred as marriage.
Changing jobs and moving away will further instill some values in your children that will be with them into adult life. This is the same with what your husband is doing in their upbringing. Parents are the first and principal teachers in children's lives, so care should be taken. This is why it’s unfortunate that you haven’t approached your husband on the matter -- the fact that your children will not be rewarded by him and his mistress is deplorable and has to be stopped!
Last and most important you do need to face this demon called deceit that is parading in front of your innocent children and in YOUR HOME. If this spells walking out of the marriage, then you may need to do this; but the floppy philandering hubby must be informed that he should respect his children in ensuring they are brought up right and that he respects the sanctity of the marriage home. If he finds this an impossibility, then walk away from the marriage, but having make the distinction to your children that the values of respect and faithfulness are as important as that of love.
At this stage of your marriage, these pillars are absent in large measure. If they can’t be restored in noticeable and appreciable measures, then there’s no marriage to save here.He's gone! Was it a mistake to reveal my HIV status to him?Dear Aunt Nadithi:I am a 19 year old girl and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years. In a class project four years ago, we were encouraged to go for HIV testing and I discovered that I was positive. Of course I was devastated at first, but through counseling I began to accept the status and continue with life as the counselors tell us.During one of the sessions with our counselors, we were told to be open about our status and inform our intimate partners. I was shocked that when I did tell my boyfriend, he not only walked away without saying another word, but he has disappeared. He quit a well-paying job and moved away. I heard from his friends that he moved out of town and he is living with his elder brother. He will not take my calls and he has told his friends he doesn’t want to hear about me.Was I wrong to reveal my status to him? We were careful and used protection, do you think he may have contracted the virus? How can I get him back?Jilted
You did the right thing to inform your friend, although perhaps you should have done this at the onset of the first intimate encounter. In this way, the decision he made to walk away from the relationship, would have been made before and after the fact, in this case of having sex with a person with the HIV. This would have given him the power to participate in that decision and not being merely yours.
However, it is a sad but unfortunately the usual reaction most people around the world have toward relationships with HIV positive people, decide it is unsafe, so they avoid it. As discriminatory as this is, even after research and possibly prudent ways to avoid passing on/contracting the virus, people would still opt to turn their backs on sexual relationships with HIV+ persons.
Another sad factor is also that your friend possibly is living with rage and regret. It would be nice if he went for an HIV test so that he could make careful and knowledge-based decisions in his future and other sexual relationships.
A comeback may not be there, but you could get word to him, through a letter or a voice message on his cell, encourage him to go for a test. Rather than steaming away with rage, knowing his status ends all the "what-ifs" he is going through.How can I stop him bringing the competitiveness into our home?Dear Aunt Nadithi:I am married and an all-round sportsman. He is muscular and built like an Adonis and I love him very much. The problem is, he can't stop the competing ways of the field when he comes home. Everything he does is like a game, a competition and it is an endless field day that he makes me take part in. Going from room to room, we have to race there; if it is taking the trash out, we must carry the bags also running or see who can grab the most bags. The problem is that I am not sportive at sports and I would rather play a board game like chess, scrabble or monopoly; I always lose in his games and feel as if I was born with two left feet compared to his agility and sportiveness. What can I do to improve in this area?
Dear Game Loser,
Some people have the competitive gene in large proportions and this seems the case with your husband. It can be vexing. But it can also be fun. Definitely, you may not be able to pin him down to a board game, which is your desired sporting activity, maybe you could "get smart" at his own gaming activities.
Rather than be the reluctant participant, be the spectator. Get out the timer and time him and get him to compete with himself and beat his own record, rather than re-prove the already determined end result of his win. Let him compete with himself. Ask him to alter the game and have him compete with his own record.
---Relationship expert Aunt Nadithi is on-call every Saturday here. Send your concerns to
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