The Maravi Post

I am a 34 year old executive in a fast growing conglomerate in the city. Although I am a happily married man, I have a lady friend with whom I have been in romantic relationship for three years now.

Recently, on a visit to the apartment that I have rented for her, I found one of the junior officers there. It became very apparent that he wasn’t a casual visitor, but very comfortably walking about the place. As I did not want to cause I seen, I retreated and left.

When I called back the next day, again I found the junior officer and so I asked him what he was doing there, to which he arrogantly said he had been invited by the lady. Meanwhile, the lady friend retreated to the bedroom and refused to come out saying she didn’t want to be involved in our quarreling. To make the peace, I again left.

I did some reconnaissance and discovered that this relationship is very deep and has been going on for two years! I don’t want to share this woman with this arrogant junior officer, with no respect for his superiors. What can I do? Should I summon him to my office and give him a warning? Will that be a conflict of interest? Someone suggested that I have him transferred to an out of town branch. Would this break the affair?

Frustrated TJ
 
Dear Frustrated TJ,

Whoa happily married man! As they say, hold on before jumping off the train while it is in high speed. First of all, you are talking to everybody but the main star in this play: the lady friend. Before you are forced into humble retreat again, enquire from her what she is doing. You have rented an apartment for her; sadly these days, this is a major investment and not a two cent one. The agreement in all this was to put her up in a place where the two of you would meet; without judgment on this action, you have set up a second home. If she chooses to introduce another person into the equation, she is in effect breaking the terms of the arrangement.

You should be talking to your lady friend; you should be talking to her in serious tones. No more retreating, to save face and no more quarreling with the wrong person. As he told you, he is there at the invitation of the lady, your lover.

After having a strong, sober talk with the lady, you may wish to visit the apartment’s landlord and cancel the lease, or stop paying the rent. Let junior officer foot the bill.

And you are right; there would be a conflict of interest if you brought this tiff you are having with your junior officer to the work place. It would be a straight and wide path to some legal action suits that could spell the end of a beautiful career.

You may wish to redefine your marriage: happily married people do not seek the comforts of another romantic link.

Should I accept his offer of love while on a rebound?
 

Dear Aunt Nadithi,

I am a 32 year old woman and have a child born when I was in college. I am currently unattached romantically, although I spend a lot of time with the boyfriend of my best friend. She lives out of town.
Everything was going well and the two confided in me a lot of their secrets. Four months ago they had a bitter quarrel and broke their relationship. As a confidant of course I got to hear both sides of the story. Irreconcilable differences and a lot of trust issues with infidelity on both sides.
 

Meanwhile the boyfriend has kept on with taking me into his confidence. But this past week, he has twice come to my house a bit tipsy and going beyond bounds of acceptable decorum. Then the bombshell came when last Friday, he refused to go home and slept on the couch in my living room.
 

The next morning, he asked me to have an affair with him. Is this right? Will my best friend not think that I poached from her enclosure? And does he really love me or he is just lonely on the re-bound?
 

Re-bound Shy
 
Dear Re-bound Shy,

Yes he is lonely and probably frustrated, especially on the issues of trust and fidelity or lack of it in his past affair with your best friend. You rightly put it that this would be a re-bound affair because four months is not a long time and the two could patch things up and get back together again.

For the sake of your relationship with your best friend and the fact that you were her confidant, it would serve his interests as well, if you put him on the back burner and watch him from a distance. After all, he has also confided in you and you know him from a “friendship” angle. What you should be asking yourself is, as good a friend as he is, would he be perfect material for a romantic entanglement? Or would you be getting into a similar boat as your best friend did? Another consideration to make is what are your feelings for him? If they are more than brotherly/sisterly, again check where this would leave your relationship with your girl friend.

Even after 10 years, whether true or not, she may look at your romantic tie with her former guy, as betrayal and even blame you for the break up. You need to tread carefully. But first look at your feelings and see where they stand. This could be somebody you like or he could be somebody you love. You choose.
 
 
Should my best friend have an affair with my little sister?
 

Dear Aunt Nadithi,

I am a 26 year old man living and working in the city. As the first born in a family of six, I look after three of my younger siblings (two brothers and a sister), to help relieve my parents in these difficult harsh economic times. One of themmy18 year old sister is in first year college, while the boys are in high school.
 

Recently I discovered that my sister is engaged in a romantic relationship with my best friend. And maybe they are having sex too! I was very enraged and I threatened to send her back to our parents. I also told if she is going to fish from men for lasting relationship, she should look about among her own pool of friends and possibly within her college.
 

My relationship with her has really soured and she is not speaking to me. Should I live through with my threat and send her home to the parents? Will this not burden them? How can I ensure that she grows up to be more moral than she is being?
Disappointed Brother

Dear Disappointed Brother

Your sister is 18 years of age and has reached the age of consent, so she can freely get into a relationship she wishes to without seeking the approval of a parent or guardian.

Sadly however, you are barking up the wrong tree. It takes two to tangle and before you get angry at this messenger, please remember that your best friend is as equally to blame for this and maybe more than your teenage sibling. As sound as your advice is about fishing in her own pool at the college, this could also be said of your friend: in fact for your friend, the advice is that you never p-ss where you eat your food.

As you are the entrusted guardian of your sister, you should be looking out for her interests, rather than judging her; judge your friend, what is he doing looking at your sister in the amorous way he has instead of the protective way you do?

It would be a compound burden for your parents – financial, emotional and psychological to see you throw your sibling back to their cash-strapped home. No parent likes to see his or her children warring with each other.

You can ensure that your sister grows up morally by setting a good example for her. The first one should be that you will stand up, defend and protect her, not accuse her as you are doing. She will always be your sister.

But the day your best friend proposed an amorous relationship with your sister, he moved the goal posts and changed the nature of your relationship. He is now an in-law, not a best friend. This relationship has changed forever.
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©2012 The Maravi Post.

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