The Maravi Post

I am a 38 year old woman and have been married to a wonderful man for the past four years. The problem I have is that while my husband has three children with his former wife whom he divorced before we got married,

I have not been able to give him any children.

I am advancing in age and fear I may never give my husband a child. But the bigger problem I now have is that as his children have grown older, I find that they are always planning outings with their father and going on shopping sprees. To my shock, some of these include their mother, my husband's ex wife.

I don't like this and it really puts me out of my wits. What should I do? Should I forbid him from being with his former family? Should I adopt a child so that at least I too will have someone?

L.C.

Dear L.C.
First of all, the children are not his former family, they are and will always be part of his family. While you should not forbid him being with his children, you can set guidelines as to the activities he is involved in with them. Again here there is a limiting line, because there are school and even church events that it would be difficult for you to preclude his ex from attending.

Second thing for you to consider is to let your husband know how you feel. If he is aware of the hurt you feel, he will be more sensitive with the activities he goes on and where his ex wife is participating, he may even ask that you join them.

Adopting a child sounds like a good idea; but a child is a human being with feelings. A child is also someone that you will have for a lifetime, and adopting one should not be to use as a weapon to win your husband to your corner. You should adopt a child out of love for children and not for any selfish motives.

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We're always together but he's never proposed

Dear Aunt Nadithi,

Please help me. I am a single lady, and have grown very close to a man who is also single. We are always together in public places and behave almost like we are co-joined to the hip. We fellowship at the same church. Although he is in full time service, I work nearby our church, we see each other and even plan our engagements around each other; we even buy our groceries together.

The problem I have is that although I am always with this man, he has never proposed to me that we be in a relationship.

My biggest fear is that he might find someone to marry and I will end up being hurt. He has not expressed any interest in me but he just tells me he loves me in a joking way. I love him, but I am not brave enough to ask him what this friendship is all about. What if he gets a girl friend and marries her? Should I ask him to confirm our relation? Would I be froward or just being prudent?

Unrequested

Dear Unrequested,

The picture you and your platonic friend is painting is not healthy for the reasons you point out. You and the friend are all over town and even at church, but without any commitment. It is all very good that you are providing an escort of sorts for the friend, but he has not committed himself to you. There is the risk that he could find someone else and since he has not proposed to you, there is no liability to you on his part.

You could ask him to commit, and in the twenty first century, this is not being froward; it is called being prudent. It would be an extremely shocking thing to be invited to his wedding and you are not the girl walking down the aisle. If you love this man, and signs are that you do, be frank with him and let him know how you feel about him. If he tells you that you are mistaken and that you are just friends, then you would be best advised to walk as far away as possible from the fellow, giving enough distance for other men to see your availability. As it is other men cannot think to take any interest in you since you are giving all the appearances of "an attached woman."

You need to be proactive. Get the man to commit. If he does not or he tells you he has a different outlook on the relationship, then you walk away. You need to stop creating the impression that you are in a relationship. If you are in a relationship, let him commit; if this is not a relationship, ask him to let you go.
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(c) The Maravi Post 2012.

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