Dear Aunt Nadithi,I am a divorced 24 year old woman with one child. My former husband caught me having sex with a man and this led to a very quick separation that was followed by an even quicker divorce that finalised last year. I now have plans to marry this other man. But the problem now is that my former husband has been paying visits to my house wanting me back. He also says that because he does not want his child to starve. Amidst all this he voices claims that he still loves and needs me. I don’t want to get into trouble when I go back as he will be remembering what I did to him. What should I do?KC
If the problem is with a child that is starving, then your ex should take the child and look after the child in his home. In fact this is his prerogative and duty. His child should not starve. Let him provide for the child either by taking the child into his care and house or by giving you the means to look after the child. A starving child should never be used as an excuse or reason for getting couples together. Children are the product of a loving union; they are not the reason for the union.
Love should be the reason. However you do not mention anywhere in your letter that either you love each other so much that you are both willing to sweep away that indiscretion that led to divorce only last year. Do you love him? Does he love you? Or is he merely using the fact of a starving child for you to re-unite?
Lastly, being caught in the act of love-making is a serious offence and one that tears at people’s core existence. For certain, when or if you do get back together, this little episode of you in the delicate position will never be erased from your former husband’s mind. He may use it to taunt you verbally and sometimes even physically. Getting back to him could entail with the closer opportunity to get his revenge.
You obviously appear to have moved on by making plans to marry the other man; in looking back you just may lose what you have in hand and even that which is yet to come: the union with your ex.
**** My marriage is threatened by infidelity rumours Dear Aunt Nadithi,I am a married man and have a three-year-old daughter. For the past three months I have been hearing that my wife is dating other men. When I asked her she said the other men had approached her but not that she is dating them. I am not sure if I believe what she is saying. What should I do? Shouald I divorce her or else she seek for help? Please note that the rumours are eating my love for her and I do not trust her anymore. My life and our marriage are threatened. I am in dilemma.
Dear Worried Husband
Rumours are a vice that can lead to murder of innocent people. If you have read such classics as Shakespeare’s Othello, you read that a very loving couple was reduced to shreds through the rumour that were coiled with the deep-rooted jealousy of Iago; this led to Othello killing his beloved wife.
While the people bringing you the rumours about your wife may be true or well-meaning, they are nonetheless causing you and your wife a lot of grief. This is grief that you do not need and certainly can do without.
You need to stamp out the source of these rumours. A wise man is reported to have shamed his rumour-providers by getting the tattle-teller and his wife together in one room. And in seeking clarification he asked the informer to repeat his or her version of what was involved in the presence of his wife. He did this three or four times and people in town soon enough learned that he was not a man to be told rumours or gossip about his wife.
The lesson in this is that this is your wife. If there is something amiss about her and what she is doing, you will get to know about it. You do not need other people to tell you anything about her; after all you chose her to be your wife. Do not let other people help you leave her through their rumour-mongering.
**** What can I do to make her have sex with me? Dear Aunt Nadithi,I am young man working somewhere in the city and I am seriously in love with a girl aged 19. She is still at school. We love and trust each other a lot and we have been in love for almost 18 months now. Everything is going well in our relationship, the only problem is that every time I try to make love with her, she always refuses saying that we should wait until she finishes school. I have tried various ways to seduce her but she is adamant. I can’t live for four to five solid years without ‘having it’ as you know its nature. I don’t want to lose her both because I love her so much and I want to be with her forever. I want the best for her and our relationship because we truly love each other. So what should I do to make her have sex with me? Please help me.
Dear Worried Boy,
If you love her so much and want to be with her forever and want the best for her and your relationship because you truly love each other,then you should be able to wait for her for the four to five years without ‘having it’. This would enable her finish with her schooling.
Many girls have lost the opportunity for a good career because they put the social interests first and engaged in pre-marital sex, ending up pregnant. Many more end up with ‘fatherless’ children and even some health-related challenges.
Your girl is correct to refuse your advances for sexual entanglement. She is a school child and needs to concentrate on finishing her schooling.
If your love is so great, then please wait for her; do not rush her into something that will jeopardize her future. Only time will tell whether this future includes you!
---(c) The Maravi Post 2012